Dear E. Jean: I'm 31 and have been with my husband since I was in college. I honestly thought sex was just a guy getting on top and sticking it in. So in those 11 years with him, I had a total of five orgasms. Then we separated, and I dated other men. They made me feel sexy! And I found out I loved to experiment.
My husband and I are now back together and working things out. He's willing to talk about a lot of issues, but he shuts down about sex and refuses to listen or change. For him, making love is vanilla and all about him—he has his climax, hands me a vibrator so I can "play," and then leaves to watch TV in the den.
Advertisement - Continue Reading BelowI bought a sexy thong and knee-high boots, and when I put them on, you know what he told me? "The boots are ugly." So I asked him what he thought was sexy, and he said, "Why do you care what I think is sexy? God! You need a lot of attention," and proceeded to lecture me about how needy I was for the next 20 minutes.
I know he thinks I'm hot, because he wants to have sex all the time; but this is important to me. I'm in the best shape of my life, with the healthiest sex drive ever, and I am frustrated! Other men are constantly hitting on me! —Fed Up and Rarin' to Go!
More From ELLEMiss Fed, my frappé: Excuse my bluntness, but I'm beginning to understand why you left this dude. Lecture you, indeed! All husbands and wives spout at one another. But for a marriage to be entertaining (and why else would anyone even be married?), you must stand up for yourself. Next time he starts a harangue, interrupt him with a sly smile and say, "You're right, darling! I am needy. And right now I need for you to stop ranting, or I'll go put on those ugly boots." If you're in a feisty mood, add, "And give you a swift kick in your nitpicks."
What's genuinely amazing is, despite his orneriness, you're about to enjoy much, much better sex together. It will take courage on your part—I warn you in advance, this advice is not for chickens. A pile of research (going all the way back to Plato, but see David Brooks' overview in The New York Times, October 20, 2009) demonstrates that each of us, every man and woman, is made up of different "selves." As Walt Whitman said, "I contain multitudes." Your husband is a mix of tendencies. He may be narrow-minded in the bedroom but highly experimental at the office. He may fib in church and yet always tell the truth to his poker buddies. What you must do is change the where/when/how circumstances of his erotic routine. When you change the circumstances, he will change.
Examples: If he boffs you only in the bedroom, start some lovey-dovey in the kitchen. If he likes the lights on, blindfold him. When he makes his first move, you go sit in the den and hand him the vibrator, and so on. Since he "shuts down" and "refuses to listen," whisper to him when he's in your power, i.e., when he's poking away like blazes. (That's not a Facebook reference.) He may complain that you're "breaking his concentration," but that's the point. Whisper your list of desires.
If he does not respond, he's a cruel, self-centered, unsalvageable cad. If he does respond, you're ready for phase two. Because "he wants to have sex all the time," and because you've schooled him to expect the unexpected, and because the secret of sexual ecstasy is creating desire and then drawing it out beyond all human endurance, agree with delight when he asks. But just when he's reaching the life-threatening excitement level, tell him, "Hold on." First he must do something you want.
In six months, you'll have turned him into a foreplay junkie—or you'll have the undeniable proof he's a worthless, self-besotted, uptight piece of crap, and the excellent practice you put in leaving him before will come in handy when you leave him again—this time for real.
Email your questions to e.jean@askejean.com